My Pregnancy Journey Part 1

Let’s start at the beginning. I took my first pregnancy test in December of 2023 and then proceeded to take like 5 more because I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the positive line. I held on to the little secret for a few days while I figured out how to tell Bryan. It was Christmas time so I decided to put a pair of knitted baby booties with a card in Bryan’s stocking and told him he had an early Christmas present before we went out for date night. We were so excited and both very surprised!

I tried to sneakily capture Bryan’s reaction but instead I caught my reaction to his reaction.

Our first appointment wasn’t until the second week of January (on our dating anniversary actually). We were so excited and told our families before our appointment. In those first few weeks I felt pretty good, mostly just tired, some mild nausea, and tender breasts.

I was very anxious and nervous leading up to the first appointment, mostly because I wasn’t sure what to expect. On the short drive to the doctor’s office I remember Bryan asking me how I was feeling and I said something along the lines of feeling nervous out of fear that something was wrong. About a week before the appointment I went pee and when I wiped there was light pink on the toilet paper. I didn’t think anything of it, but I remember thinking please don’t let anything be wrong and the thought of a miscarriage did come across my mind. Whether or not this was correlated with what happens next, I will never know.

We got to the appointment and the doctor came in and first does an abdominal ultrasound. Right away I had the feeling that something wasn’t right. The doctor didn’t point anything out and was pretty silent. He said he didn’t get a good view and wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound. He left and I undressed from the waist. He came back in and started the ultrasound. He asked me how far along I was and told him I thought I was around 8 or 9 weeks. He then pointed out a spot and said that was the gestational sac but wasn’t getting a heartbeat. He said it wasn’t a viable pregnancy, it would result in a miscarriage, and it was measuring around 6 weeks. He said even if I wasn’t as far along as I thought he should’ve still been able to pick up cardiac activity.

I went completely numb. My head was spinning with emotions. He started talking about the options I had. How am I supposed to make a decision so suddenly? I hadn’t even fully processed what he just told us.

The options I had were to wait and see if my body recognized that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy and have a natural miscarriage, to take a pill that tells your body to start the miscarriage process, or have a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure where they surgically remove the fetus. He went on to say that a having a miscarriage results in a lot of blood and can be painful with cramping and that many women end up in the emergency room because of this. Keep in mind, it was a Friday afternoon on a holiday weekend and we are supposed to be going out of town the next day to celebrate our anniversary. The doctor advised we don’t travel, which is another level of stress we have to figure out within a few hours before we are supposed to be boarding a plane at 6:00 am the next morning.

We left the office having not made a decision. I still hadn’t processed what was happening. What I did know was that a friend recently shared her story with me about being in a very similar situation and she underwent a D&C. Since we were no longer going out of town I reached out to her to see if she was free to meet for coffee the next morning. I felt like I needed to talk to someone who had gone through what I was going through to be able to make a clear decision. I was already thinking I wanted to proceed with a D&C, but I wanted to hear her experience so that I could be sure. Thankfully she was available and we spent almost 2 hours at a coffee shop the next morning talking about her experience with the procedure, her recovery after the procedure, and celebrating that she was currently pregnant again!

Of course it was the weekend and there was nothing to do except wait until Tuesday to call the doctor’s office first thing in the morning. You could say that the weekend was a little stressful because I kept waiting and almost anticipating that something was going to happen. Nothing happened. We tried to make the most out of it by making it a little staycation and ordering take out, watching movies, and relaxing.

Tuesday morning I called the doctor’s office first thing to let them know what I wanted to do. I got a call that afternoon from the doctor who tells me that the procedure can be done the following day. I asked about the anesthesia because I didn’t want to put under. She told me I could go under light anesthesia. I still wasn’t particularly happy with that because my friend didn’t go under, but I didn’t really know what other options I had and I was ready to start the healing and recovery process.

This is one thing that is sometimes frustrating about the healthcare system. The same procedure can be done differently at different facilities. All you can do is ask questions, share your patient goals, and try to find something that works for you.

Because I had to go under anesthesia I couldn’t eat anything before the surgery. My procedure wasn’t scheduled until 4:30 pm. This was extremely hard for me to do because of course all I wanted to do was eat.

We showed up to the hospital to get checked in around 3:30 pm. As we are getting checked in I got a call from the doctor’s office explaining my procedure time may be pushed back to 7 pm or even later because there is a trauma coming in. I was at the hospital because that’s where the procedure had to be done since they don’t do these types of procedures in the office. I tell this to the person admitting me who says she hadn’t heard anything and since I was there I might as well go up to pre-op and get an update from the nurse.

We headed upstairs and told the nurse the same information who also hadn’t heard anything either. We waited a little bit to see if the nurse got an update while we also waited for a call back from the doctor. We finally got confirmation that my procedure was still able to be completed that night but would be pushed back slightly. I was also given the option to come back the next morning for a 7:00 am procedure time. Since we were already there and I had made it this long not eating, I decided to just wait it out and get it done that night. The nurse started all the pre-op things like taking my vitals and placing an IV (something that made me very anxious).

The anesthesiologist came in and I expressed my wishes to not go under full anesthesia and the doctor said I could go under light anesthesia. He responded a bit assertively that he was the doctor and he was the one who would make the decision if I needed to go under general anesthesia if I “wasn’t tolerating the procedure.” What was so frustrating about this was that I knew the procedure could be done without any anesthesia at all. This also isn’t a very pleasant experience for a lot of people and the way he responded was not very empathetic or understanding given the situation I was in.

Next the doctor came in to check on me and express her condolences. She said we’re ready to go and that she’ll see me in the operating room. It was just about 6:00 pm. I got wheeled in to the operating room and had to transfer from the hospital bed to the operating table. All I remember is the doctor asking me to put one leg in one stir up and a nurse asking me to put my leg in another stir up.

Next thing I knew I woke up in the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) and just started crying. It was about 6:40 pm. The nurse was there but Bryan hadn’t gotten back yet. The doctor came in to check on me and offered me a hug which I gladly accept. Bryan made it back with my bag so I could change. The nurse said she’s going to try to get me out of there as soon as possible. I told her I felt like I needed to walk and so she leads me to the bathroom because they wanted to make sure I went pee before I left. Thankfully I pee. We went back to my bed, I sipped some water, and ate a bite of some snack I had brought with me. The nurse cleared me to leave and wheeled me down while Bryan went to get the truck. It was 7:00 pm and I was leaving the hospital feeling completely numb once again.

I wasn’t even hungry at this point but knew I should eat. We ordered food to have delivered by the time we got home and stopped at Amy’s Drive-Thru for a milkshake because that seemed like it might be good. We got home and I was just completely exhausted. I tried to eat. We hung out for a little bit, but I finally just went to bed.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I share my recovery post D&C.

I share this as a way to help anyone who may be going through a similar experience. I am so grateful my friend shared her experience with me. Little did I know at the time that her sharing her story would offer me some peace during my own difficult time a few months later. If you’re experiencing your own loss, I am so deeply sorry! If you need to talk, you can always reach out to share your story. I would love to hear from you. Email heather.tasselmyer@gmail.com